"It’s Just Music" - (this will be a rant)
When people tell me those words, my soul wells up so much that I feel if I released it all at once with all my might, the sky would go dark around me, light would project from my orifices, my lungs would expand beyond their capacity, and the sound…oh, the overwhelming, awe-inspiring sound that would fill my entire body and emanate from me in a horrifically huge shout- louder than anything ever heard before…
Those words are important. Those words carry a weight heavier than their deliverer could even guess.
Today was a Thursday- a day I dread from the moment Thursday ends to the beginning of the next one. Thursday is bean picking day at the farm, at which I work. We pick them from the moment we arrive to the moment we leave, which wouldn’t be that awful…but for the silence. For hours, you pick, too far away from the other workers to be able to converse. Hours, just thinking. Thinking until you literally feel like you’re about to lose your ever-loving MIND. Which, for me, is not necessarily an exaggeration. I recently decided that the only way to make it through another Thursday with any sanity left is to bring headphones and music. This brought about a new conflict- listen to certain music in hopes that it will cheer me up and energize me? Or listen to what my soul feels?
Most of my life is spent trying to decide what music I’m “feeling” at that moment. What music fits this situation or the weather on a certain day, or what music fits this or that type of drive, etc etc etc. To deviate from that and listen to something I *know* goes against what I feel fits usually ends in me feeling listless and unmotivated. Without the right music, the point becomes difficult to see. A whole day could be ruined if I can’t find the appropriate music to accompany it.
With that, I chose to listen to the music I felt fit my mood today, which was dark. Not a “bad attitude” dark. A “cut too deep to mend” dark. My mind was engulfed and empowered in this darkness. It opened my mind to start thinking about everything I try to push away every day in hopes of forgetting it exists. The strongest of these things I try to forget is the fact that my dream dies more and more every day- MUSIC.
As long as I could form dreams, it’s been to do something with music. To play, to write, to conduct, anything! Today in that field, I nearly got up and left- the re-realization was just about unbearable. I love my job, but it is STILL settling! It’s still not at all what I’ve ever wanted! Do you ever realize that all the potential you have is just being wasted?! That EVERY DAY YOU PASS UP OPPORTUNITY AFTER OPPORTUNITY AND INSTEAD YOU LIVE A BLASÉ, COMFORTABLE, USELESS LIFE?! The greatest thrill I get is going back to visit my college sorority and being the DJ because I get to listen to good music and see people react to it and share in that moment with them! I get to excite people and take them somewhere else just by playing a single song. There’s nothing quite like playing just the right song and seeing a whole room full of equally messed up people start dancing around and singing their hearts out like children- undaunted by the cruel world around them, unaware of any pain it causes.
…That is such a beautiful thing…for those moments, nothing else matters. Just music.
When I go back home from my visits to KI, my soul aches for those moments. It feels deeper and emptier than ever…
I sat in that field today and nearly started crying because i have no. idea. what to do.
I don’t know what my dream is anymore. I know that it kills me just a little more every day that I get up early and go do something that doesn’t consume my very being like music does. I can’t very well go live at my old college just for the experience and thrill of being a DJ and dancing- I kind of need an income. and a life. I hope to find a mate someday, but they have to connect with me in a serious way with music and I already know how hard it is to even find friends with that connection. I’ve only found a couple and one of them I just started to get to know this last weekend (and i never want to come off as excited as I really am because…you know…anything close to “creep” isn’t a cute look).
The only thing my mind could come up with this morning was a surprisingly desperate: “I need to get out of here”
When I asked myself where “here” is, I found i didn’t even know the answer. My hopelessness deepened immensely…
"It’s just music"
To me, that translates as “your life is just…eh”
Isn’t it possible that my life is just a little different than other peoples’? Isn’t it possible that I’m just wired a little differently?? I don’t give ANY CARES TO MONEY OR MY CAREER SUCCESS! I NEED music…I can’t BE without it. I try and I can’t. It’s not just music, it’s my air. It’s my blood, my bones, my everything. I know this all sounds dramatic, but the more I live my life pretending it isn’t all those things, the more I fall apart. The more I realize I can’t be without it! IT’S NOT JUST MUSIC, IT’S YOUR DAUGHTER……
…this is just who i am…and i’m 23years old. Haven’t you learned this by now? Don’t tell me “it’s just music”…help me.